Random Soldier Sailor Harlequin!
by Fallen Angel Alice
Summary: Sailor Harlequin is a sailor girl on a mission!  When she's sent from her home planet to conquer Earth but really just sent away so that Harlequin can fix all the damage she's caused , she's determined to succeed. Not easy when you're a bumbling goofball


This is something I came up with when I saw the massive amounts of SI characters in Sailor Moon fanfics. The idea entered my head during a boring geometry class, and as I elaborated on it, Hailey's character emerged bit by bit. I want to thank my best friend, Sydney, for without her nagging, I never would have finished this first part.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any of it's characters, all I own is Hailey, her father, and the planet Harlequin. Wow, I guess that makes me an Empress, don't it?

PS: This takes place during Crystal Tokyo, ie, Usagi is Neo Queen Serenity and Chibiusa is the new Sailor Moon.

Episode 1: The Idiot has Landed

Planet Harlequin, Royal Palace of Harlequin:

A young girl walked through the hallways of the Royal Palace of Harlequin, an impossibly wide grin on her face. She had elbow length, neon green hair tied into low pigtails, and scarlet eyes that glittered with fiendish delight. Her face was heavily made up, covered in white face paint and dark red lipstick with a green star underneath her right eye, and a red star underneath her left eye. She wore a long, sleeveless green dress with a transparent skirt, which showed a pair of scarlet, skintight pants underneath, and pointed green shoes with pom poms on the ends. On the back of the dress was an impossibly large scarlet bow, and a gold circlet adorned her brow. The effect was both beautiful and ridiculous, like a female clown trying to impersonate a delicate princess. She finally reached the door to the throne room, and taking a deep breath, she slowly opened the door and walked inside. And then, promptly tripped and fell flat on her face.

Such is Princess Zeta Lola Daisy Clarabelle Lemon Meringue Harlequin, princess and senshi of Harlequin. Protector of her planet, destined to fight against evils threatening her homeland. And, granted, she did her job. However, she had an unfortunate habit of completely purging the area that the youma were infesting (ie: she was the leading cause of nuked buildings on the planet). It had gotten so bad, that local buildings and homes were now being insured for Sailor Harlequin related incidents.

King Lambda Mickey Donald Elmer Yosemite Sam Harlequin sighed as he watched his daughter pick herself up off of the floor quickly and shout: "I MEANT TO DO THAT!!" To the empty room. No matter what he did, no matter how much he lectured, the girl just didn't have a lick of sense. He could yell until he was blue in the face (which wasn't that hard, considering his face was covered in blue face paint), but in the end, she would just keep on doing her ridiculous stunts and destroying large amounts of private property. He had hoped that it wouldn't come to this, but it had, and now he had to do this with a straight face and a stiff upper lip.

"Zeta." His voice rung out loudly, with an air of authority that would have made the young princess want to snap her shoulders back and lift her head up high if she didn't have a deep rooted disrespect for authority. So instead, she slumped her shoulders and stared at him through hooded eyes.

"Wassup pops?" She drawled, a lazy smile creeping onto her face. King Lambda resisted the urge to slap himself in the forehead, and instead kept on what Zeta called his "I have been bathed in quick drying cement, but it doesn't matter because you are a bug that I will squish with my eyes" look.

"Zeta, I have a mission for you. A mission that is vital for the survival of Harlequin." Lambda declared. Now THAT got Zeta's attention. After all, she may have been rude, disrespectful, hyper, obsessive, and full of complete disregard for other people's lives and property, but she had a great deal of planetary pride. Snapping her shoulders back, she looked her father right in the eyes.

"I'm listening, what do you wish of me?" She asked, her face dead serious. King Lambda let out a discreet sigh of relief before beginning.

"On the other side of the galaxy, there is a distant planet. This planet has the highest concentration of senshi in the galaxy, and therefore, must be captured to ensure Harlequin's survival. I want you to go to this planet, and take it over, or at least attempt to until I call you back. Do you accept this mission?" King Lambda declared. Zeta didn't even hesitate.

"I accept!" She cried, her voice echoing through the room. King Lambda smiled gleefully and snapped his fingers, causing four clown like servants to appear in the room, one of whom was holding a suitcase. Leaping down, he began to shake Zeta's hand vigorously.

"Wonderful! I was hoping you'd say that my dear. Now, good luck and godspeed, and don't forget to write!" He called as the servants grabbed her, threw her into a nearby rocket ship, throwing the suitcase in after her and slamming the door shut. Lambda pressed a button by the side of the throne, causing the rocket to blast off, with the screaming princess inside. As he watched the rocket blast off into space, he leaned back in his throne, a thoughtful expression on his wrinkled face.

"Now," he said to himself, "it's time to start repairs of the planet. I swear," he sighed, "I love my daughter, but she's far too destructive for her own good. Hopefully, this bogus mission will teach her a little restraint, and maybe Serenity will teach her to be a bit more queenly."

Crystal Tokyo Academy, 3016:

Chibiusa blinked and looked at her textbook, a bleary expression in her scarlet eyes. For some reason, the words didn't make sense at all, and no matter how many times she read them, she still couldn't understand them. Mentally, she cursed her mother's genes for their contribution to her adolescence.

As soon as she had hit thirteen, she had changed drastically. She had become far more clumsy, constantly tripping over her own feet. She'd also become lazier, barely making it to school on time. Honestly, if Usagi could see her now, she would laugh and laugh until her face turned a lovely shade of blue. Honestly, nowadays, she was as bad as, if not worse than, her mother had been! Suddenly, the door burst open, and a very unusual looking girl dashed in, smashing into the teacher and sending the poor woman onto the ground, a dazed expression on her face.

Said girl had elbow length, neon green hair and scarlet eyes, a color combination that caused Chibiusa to wince. Her skin was a pretty peachy color, and she wore the Crystal Tokyo Academy uniform with knee length, neon green socks and bright red shoes. Several girls started whispering about her fashion sense, but the young girl didn't seem to care about the commotion she had caused, in fact, it seemed as though she enjoyed it, as she bowed deeply before breaking out into a short Irish jig. As soon as she finished, she grinned at the stunned class.

"Hello, my name is Hailey Quinn Fletcher! I'm a transfer student from England, so please be kind and don't run my knickers up the flagpole until after lunchtime!" She declared cheerfully, causing the entire class (teacher included) to sweatdrop. The teacher got to her feet and regained her composure as best as she could.

"Well Miss Fletcher, it's very...interesting...to meet you. Please take a seat, you may have any seat that you like." She said, adjusting her glasses. Hailey nodded, and, walking towards the desks, she stopped right next to the seat of a brunette named Chiko.

"Can I have your seat please?" Hailey asked, causing Chiko to blink.

"Huh? Why?" Chiko asked.

"Because, the teacher said that I could have any seat that I like, and I like this one." Hailey replied, not even fazed by the question, and completely unaware of the massive facefault that followed.

By lunchtime, word had gone round of the odd girl in Class 1-D, and her exploits, like wearing a fish costume to gym when she had heard that they were going swimming, and how she had fallen into a coma during geometry and hadn't revived until she was fed pocky. However, Hailey remained oblivious, and was currently sitting in the branches of a large tree, about to eat her lunch.

"Um...excuse me..."

Hailey looked down to see a girl of about her age, with pink hair in carrot shaped odangos and pigtails that went to her ankles. She had scarlet eyes and was looking up at her with a friendly, if not nervous, smile.

Chibiusa cleared her throat as Hailey looked down at her. Nervously smiling, she opened her mouth to speak.

"Hello, um...I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me. After all, you're new, and I bet that you haven't met many people." Chibiusa offered, a smile on her face. Hailey blinked before breaking out into a large grin.

"Sure! Sounds like fun." Hailey exclaimed as she jumped out of the branches onto the ground. Both girls sat down underneath the tree, and Hailey opened her lunchbox, revealing that it was full of pocky. Chibiusa stared as drool started leaking out of the corner of her mouth. Hailey looked from Chibiusa to her lunchbox for a few minutes, then sighed and offered her a few sticks of pocky, which the pink haired princess gratefully accepted. And with a few chocolate dipped cookie sticks, a friendship was born.

Later that day, Hailey was walking home from school when she made a detour through a stereotypical dark alleyway. At the end of said alleyway was a strange neon green symbol, of an anvil with an H in front of it. Stepping onto the rune, her body began glowing a neon green color before she vanished, reappearing in her oh-so subtle UFO takeover base (complete with machine gun cannon, laser gun, missile launcher, and Pez dispenser). She grinned, a slightly deranged look on her face, before she plopped down on her comfy leather chair to relax. Just then, an alarm went off, causing her to shriek and fall out of her chair.

"Enemy detected. Enemy detected. Enemy detected." The alarm droned on and on, and only stopped when Hailey hit the mute button. Sighing, she brought up a map of Crystal Tokyo, and used it to zoom in on the youma location. Her grin grew even more deranged.

"Well...this is gonna be fun!" She laughed maniacally before raising her hand into the air.

"Harlequin Comic Power, Make Up!" She shouted. She flipped backwards and snapped her fingers, causing bouncy music to start up. She began dancing to the music as ribbons wrapped around her, causing a green and red senshi uniform to appear. A large mirror appeared out of nowhere, and she glanced in it, causing her to shake her head and sigh. With a snap of her fingers, the senshi outfit turned back into ribbons and reformed itself into a green and red jester's outfit with a green sailor collar and a spiky skirt with pom poms at the end of each spike. On her hands were overly large wrist length green gloves with red lining, and on her feet were overly large red ankle length boots with green trim. Instead of the usual tiara, she wore a large green and red jester's hat that reached all the way down to her knees, with pom poms attached. Grabbing a powder puff out of nowhere, she began powdering her face, sending clouds of makeup everywhere. When the clouds faded, she was wearing heavy white face paint, with dark red lipstick and a green star underneath her right eye, and a red star underneath her left. With a wink, she went into a series of backflips, landing on her feet, making a peace sign, and posing with a cute smile.

Her transformation finished, Sailor Harlequin stepped onto the teleportation rune and was sent back down to the stereotypical dark alleyway. With a grin that could only be described as pure evil, she took off running down the street, ignoring the stares of the people she passed.

She finally reached the youma attack site, and her grin became even wider. The youma was attacking a sushi restaurant, and it was a cross between a lobster and a girl. The youma let out an evil laugh, only to be interrupted by several loud female voices.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

Sailor Harlequin's eyes widened, and she ducked behind a street light. How she was able to hide her entire body behind the pole in her gaudily colored clothing is a mystery, but we're getting off topic here.

Five girls appeared on top of a nearby rooftop, dressed in senshi uniforms. The first girl had pink hair in carrot shaped odangoes with pigtails that reached her ankles and scarlet eyes. She wore a pink and red sailor uniform, and on her forehead was a golden tiara with a crescent moon on the center. In her hand was a pink rod with a red heart on top, with a star and crescent moon.

The second girl had blue hair done up in a style reminiscent of blue balls, and had blue eyes. She wore a sailor uniform in varying shades of blue.

The third girl had red hair in a style that resembled a tower, and red eyes. She wore a sailor uniform that was red and black.

The fourth girl had green hair worn in a style that looked like a palm tree, and green eyes. She wore a sailor uniform that was green and brown.

The fifth and final girl had dark pink hair tied into a very girly style with a golden bow, and had dark pink eyes. She wore a pink and gold senshi uniform.

The first girl pointed at the youma angrily, "How dare you attack this place, full of delicious foods! I am Sailor Neo Moon,"

"I am Sailor Pallas!" The second girl exclaimed.

"I am Sailor Vesta!" The third girl exclaimed.

"I am Sailor Juno!" The fourth girl exclaimed.

"And I am Sailor Ceres!" The fifth girl exclaimed. Sailor Neo Moon picked up where her four compatriots left off.

"...And in the name of the moon..." She said, going into a pose.

"WE'LL PUNISH YOU!!" All five girls yelled together. Sailor Harlequin got to her feet, having eaten dinner, beaten twelve video games, finished her taxes, and balanced her checkbook all in the time it took for those five girls to finish a speech. Having been bored to death, she decided that it was time for some fun, and leapt out onto an opposing rooftop.

"Are you guys done yet?"

Simultaneously, six heads (all five senshi and the youma) swivelled towards the sound of the voice, only to see the strangest girl that they had ever seen. Sailor Vesta raised an eyebrow.

"Who are you?" She asked. Sailor Harlequin grinned, and went into a pose.

"I'm here to eat pocky and kick ass, and I'm all out of pocky! Sailor Harlequin is here!" She announced proudly, leaping down from the rooftop and facing the youma. Her grin became decidedly feral, and to the shock of the sailor senshi, a cream pie fell out of the sky and landed in her hand. The youma growled.

"No stupidly dressed senshi is going to defeat me! Take this!" She snarled, letting loose several sushi rolls that rolled across the ground at sonic speed. Sailor Harlequin managed to jump over the first, but the second roll hit her in the shoulder.

"Ow! That hurt dammit!!" Sailor Harlequin snarled, losing her good humor like a pair of clean underwear in a teenage boy's room, "That's it, you're finished!!"

Sailor Neo Moon shivered, having gotten a bad feeling when Sailor Harlequin showed up, and now that bad feeling was getting steadily stronger, "Guys, I think somebody should stop..." She never got to finish her sentence.

Sailor Harlequin tossed her cream pie into a circle around herself, the pie splitting into several pies, the original returning to her hand. The remaining pies orbited around her, suddenly coming to a stop, floating up into the air around her. She grinned evilly, and prepared to throw the pie in her hands.

"You're dead! CREAM PIE ROULETTE!!" Sailor Harlequin yelled, tossing the pie in her hand, causing the rest of the pies to shoot forward, spattering the youma with cream. Everyone in the area stared at her with dot eyes.

"What was the point of–" The youma began, only to stop talking. Forever. Getting blown up tends to do that. Everyone's dot eyes, youma excluded, grew even wider as the splattered cream pies exploded into a fiery conflagration that destroyed every building in a five block radius, miraculously leaving Sailor Harlequin and the other senshi unharmed.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Sailor Juno screamed. Sailor Harlequin smiled and made a peace sign.

"That mi amigos, was the sweet taste of victory! Oh yeah!" She shouted, causing the other senshi to sweatdrop.

"You destroyed everything within a five block radius." Sailor Ceres pointed out, her voice deadpan. Sailor Harlequin shrugged.

"Well, in war, some sacrifices must be made." She said.

"THIS ISN'T A WAR!!!!" All five senshi screamed. Sailor Harlequin blinked at them in confusion.

"It isn't? Then why am I wearing this army uniform?" Sailor Harlequin asked. And indeed, somehow she had changed from her uniform to an army uniform, complete with army helmet and gun. The senshi blinked.

"Um...Sailor Harlequin...why are you wearing an army uniform?" Sailor Neo Moon asked. The green haired senshi tilted her head in confusion.

"What in the world are you talking about? I'm not wearing an army uniform." She said.

"Yes you are! You're wearing one right...now..." Sailor Pallas trailed off as she realized that now Sailor Harlequin was wearing her uniform again, and there was no army uniform in sight. Sailor Harlequin winked and turned away.

"You guys are funny. When I take over the world, I'll be sure to spare you guys from fiery burning death! Ta-ta!" She declared before dashing off to who knows where. The five senshi stood there for a moment before something Sailor Harlequin said caught their attention.

"SHE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD?!?!"

TBC

Okay, here you go. This was inspired as I thought about all of the Sailor Moon Mary Sues out there, and something occurred to me. All those Mary Sues are either super cool, angsty, or just insanely powerful, and have come to Earth for some ultra important reason. Absolutely none of them were ridiculous in any way, shape, or form, and they never came to Earth for stupid reasons. And so, my mind started on the track that would culminate in the creation of Hailey and the planet Harlequin.


End file.
